Some of you may know I have a tattoo on my foot with the quote “Hoping, Wishing & Dreaming”. I’m a lover of quotes (honestly my room is full of them) and wanted something inked on my body. I chose this because essentially this is all I do, I live a lot of my life through fantasies in my head only to be disappointed by the reality. This doesn’t mean that I don’t work hard for things and commit to things because I believe someone is just going to magically make things happen for me, but I do spend 90% of my brain going through various scenarios, imagining the various outcomes. Today 8 years on my tattoo is somewhat faded (due to bad placement on my foot and years of poor shoe choices rubbing against it) much like the hopes, wishes and dreams I had when it was tattooed on my body. Then I wanted a career in Musical theatre, my group of friends then consists of a dozen people I barely speak to now and my love life was as dismal as it still is today.
This week has been a challenging one, honestly I don’t know where to begin with this week, let alone the rest of life. In the grand scheme of things my problems are minuscule, however they are my problems. Whilst I can contribute to the battling larger issues, I single handedly cannot change the world.
So allow me for a moment to be really fucking honest with you about my current hopes, wishes and dreams.
Recently I’ve got my hopes up about a few things. I know I shouldn’t, I know I will always be disappointed and I know at the end of the day it’s only me to blame for that disappointment.
I’ve been hoping for a while that my job would get better, in fairness there isn’t anything wrong with the job at all but it’s lonely and leaves me feeling a little cut off from the world sometimes.
This week I got my hopes up that I would get into the London Marathon on the ballot. I didn’t, and whilst I hoped I got in, I expected this result. Thousands of people apply and thousands don’t get in. I’m still searching for a charity place, otherwise I will run a different marathon, but I really feel like next year will be the year to do my first.
I’m as single as anything, I’ve never been in a serious long term relationship and the longest relationship I have been in ended with words something along the lines of: “When I said I loved you, I didn’t mean it, you were just experience. I’m getting back with the previous girl I dated.”
And from there I’ve dated and I’ve got my hopes up that a guy will see me as more than a sexual object or experience, someone who wants to stick around longer than the last and means what he says and still everytime I start to like someone I’m quickly put back in my box and we chalk it up to experience.
I spent a long time battling depression and anxiety and didn’t want to date, and when I did it was for all the wrong reasons. But now I’m better, stronger and mentally in the right place. I feel confident in myself, my body and everything I can bring to the table and know I’m worthy of being loved but I feel like the chances of that happening are similar to the chances of me getting into the London Marathon ballot.
My biggest wish is that I could change the past, take away the hurt I’ve caused and received and do things a little different. I’m happy with my life and even with the things that aren’t great, life is still pretty good. More so I wish I could get out of my anxious cycle. I’ve been through my own personal hell and back and I’m still stuck in this vicious anxious cycle. It’s not so bad anymore, but it’s there and I wish I could be a little bit more carefree.
Like I said earlier, 18 year old me had very different dreams than 26 year old me.
My number one dream, as stupid as this sounds is to be alive. By that I don’t just mean breathing, but actually living me life, not wasting what precious time so many others have unfortunately lost.
I don’t have any dreams for my career anymore, I’m still figuring out where I want to go with that and right now I’m happy earning good money to pay for my dream holidays and tick more things off my bucket list. I do however have big personal dreams. I dream of owning my own house, a nice car, being settled and having my own children. I dream of living my life loving another person and then loving me back, and as silly as that might sound to some, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.
Apologies in advance this is going to be a long emotional post… Look away now if you aren’t interested. I won’t take offence. 😉
The beauty of social media is that you can choose to follow or unfollow anyone you like.
Over the years I’ve followed or been followed by people I’ve met all over the place or through a stem of different interests I’ve had. I’ve often really liked a TV show and followed the cast, only to may years later not be particularly interested in said show/cast anymore.
I love using instagram/twitter to connect with like minded people, especially those encouraging people in the running community. I try to keep facebook for real life friends but have a select from from social media groups etc who I’ve yet to meet but intend too. I’ve met most of my close friends through social media after months/years of talking online.
Recently social media become a place where I was constantly comparing my highlights to everyone else’s. When you don’t know them personally and all you are seeing are their highlights, you can often feel like your life doesn’t match up in comparison. We are all guilty of posting our highlights, I do it myself, but I’ve become more open in my captions, I will tell people when I post something positive that I didn’t get there without the negatives.
I try and refrain from posting a lot of negative stuff too. There once was a time all I would use twitter for was to vent, because it was a place my friends and family weren’t and my twitter was a big black hole, fully of crappy emotional posts and indirect comments about things happening in my life.
I recently unfollowed 400 accounts on instagram and a few on twitter too. Many were celebrities or bloggers I followed I no longer liked. I mainly unfollowed for my Mental Health, you could be the nicest person in the world, but if something you are putting out there is having a negative effect on me (which isn’t an issue with the person) then I’m going to unfollow for my own sanity.
I think people start to care more when their intent is to launch their career. Whether you are a writer, blogger, youtuber or anything else. If your job connects to the amount people that follow you and subscribe to your content then I can understand why you may take the numbers a little more seriously/personally.
Yes, I blog, but if only 1 person reads it and values my voice then I still appreciate it. I never started this blog with the intent of making it an option for income, and never have I made anything from doing this. I love talking about my running, my mental health and everything and anything in between. I don’t thrive off the likes, but I do thrive when someone sends me a message telling me how much they appreciated what I wrote or how much they could relate to it.
Moral of the story is – CARE LESS. Your vibe attracts your tribe. People that want to see you on their timeline will follow you and people who don’t won’t. It’s as simple as that. Don’t be offended if you aren’t someone’s cup of tea.
Today I’m going to post something I usually wouldn’t post on social media. A transformation.
The above photo is from 2011/2017. Now I wish there was some major weight loss transformation to show you but there isn’t.
- Just left uni
- Struggling to find work, not sure what I wanted to do
- Felt ugly, fat and unhappy with myself and my appearance
- Struggling to find my place in life and felt like I wasn’t good enough and constantly felt like the world was against me.
I was about to face some of the toughest years in my life soon after this photo. I spiraled into depression and anxiety. For more info on that please see my mental health post.
- More confident (not 100% there yet)
- Love myself (again, not 100% there, we all have shit days)
- Stronger, fitter, faster
- Earning good money, focused more positively on a career and work orientated goals
- Making and smashing goals constantly
- Has performed in Aerial shows, and competed in Races
I am a lot happier but I am constantly working to improve my physical and mental health.
- Had been dancing every day at uni
- Was on the pill, binged heavily every time I got upset
- Not sure of exact weight but around this time I was approximately 12+ stone.
- Running for a year and a half
- Aerial on and off for 3 + years
- Eat whatever I like but don’t control my emotions solely on food anymore.
- Has a better relationship with food
- Approximately 10 stone.
I look at the person on the left and just feel sorry for her, in both pictures although I’m smiling I wasn’t very happy and the worse was yet to come. Six years between each picture and so much has happened, I’ve grown up so much and changed in so many positive ways. Anyone who knew me in 2011 may have known I wasn’t the nicest person to myself or to others, I regret some of the decisions I made back then. Now I am thankful I’ve lived through everything and grown as a person. I have been on the biggest roller coaster with my mental and physical health, after the lows it’s been really hard to feel comfortable in my own skin and around other people. Having scars, stretch marks and then feeling fat and ugly I thought I was unworthy of ever being loved or even liked by other people, I realised that this was a mindset I needed to get away from and started making positive steps to love myself and change the way I appreciated my own body. Soon enough I started feeling the love from other people and I realised that things weren’t as bad as I felt like they once were.
I can’t explain exactly how these changes were made, you find what works for you and stick with it. It’s not easy, you need to constantly adjust and adapt and put yourself first in order to get the results you want. For me it was a long hard road with many up and downs. Now I am always adjusting what works for me to maintain and grow.
Bonus picture update:
Today I’m posting something a little different.
Mental Health Awareness Week 2017 is taking place this week, between Monday May 8 – Sunday 14, so I thought I would talk to you a little about my life and experiences and how my running journey has helped with this.
Now I’m starting to earn some serious bling, I’d like to have somewhere to display it. I had eyed up some medal boards that other runners use and loved those that had a bib display and quot on them. I wasn’t a fan of metal hangers, and needed something bigger as my room is pretty bare and would love to fill up some space and incorporate the colors and theme of my room.
A couple of weeks ago I was set to order one from Etsy, it cost approx £30 and I thought it was a great price. Then I put it in my basket and BOOM – Shipping Fees all £50 of them. So I searched the internet for alternative ideas.
I am fortunate to work in a building management team and spoke openly about my need for a medal display, showing my team pictures. They said they could probably give me an off cut of wood. They measured it out for me and kindly drilled me some holes.
Next I found a Quote I liked, I found the fonts online myself and printed. When I did this I was at work and didn’t have my Bibs so had no idea if the quote would be too big. IT WAS. However I am impatient and wanted to do all this in one weekend, so you’ll find as this post goes on the extent of my impatience.
It’s a quite Friday night so I begin working on this project. I smoothed the wood over with sandpaper and cleaned it up then applied a primer, we had some undercoat primer paint lying around from where my mother has up-cycled a few things in the past so that was handy.
A few weekends a go, I stood in B&Q deliberating what colour to use for this project. I picked up this blue paint as I though it would go nicely with the rest of my room and it wouldn’t be too vibrant on my plain white walls.
Remember I said I was impatient? I used a hairdryer to dry the coast of paint so I could do all the painting in one evening. It literally take a couple of minutes to do one coat and then I would have had to wait hours for it to dry to do another, NO THANK YOU. Hairdryer to the rescue. After finishing all the blue coats, I left overnight to dry completely.
Saturday evening: I sit down and trace over the writing… who knew tracing was so hard? I have done this since school and had to search high and low for a sharpener for the one pencil I own. You can see a few clips at the top of the picture below. These are silver clips I brought from WHSmith earlier in the day. I don’t like silver, so I had some left over gold spray paint from another project and spray painted them gold. I had to go outside to do this. It was cold wet and windy. I also used the hairdryer to dry them, because like I said I’m impatient.
With a chalk pen I went over the lettering I had traced. I think it turned out pretty well. If I had the means to do so I would have got lettering stencils, but that’s a bit much when you only need it for a one time thing in a certain font.
Finally I screwed in the Hooks and super gluded on the clips.
Here’s the finished piece with the medals on it. Laid down because I’ve yet to put it on the wall:
And Here is me proudly showing it off:
The total cost of this project was approximately £12 thanks to the generosity of my friends and colleagues. The only thing left to do it put it on the wall and earn some more bling.
Have any of you done anything similar? I’d love to see how you display your race bling.