Some of you may know I have a tattoo on my foot with the quote “Hoping, Wishing & Dreaming”. I’m a lover of quotes (honestly my room is full of them) and wanted something inked on my body. I chose this because essentially this is all I do, I live a lot of my life through fantasies in my head only to be disappointed by the reality. This doesn’t mean that I don’t work hard for things and commit to things because I believe someone is just going to magically make things happen for me, but I do spend 90% of my brain going through various scenarios, imagining the various outcomes. Today 8 years on my tattoo is somewhat faded (due to bad placement on my foot and years of poor shoe choices rubbing against it) much like the hopes, wishes and dreams I had when it was tattooed on my body. Then I wanted a career in Musical theatre, my group of friends then consists of a dozen people I barely speak to now and my love life was as dismal as it still is today.
This week has been a challenging one, honestly I don’t know where to begin with this week, let alone the rest of life. In the grand scheme of things my problems are minuscule, however they are my problems. Whilst I can contribute to the battling larger issues, I single handedly cannot change the world.
So allow me for a moment to be really fucking honest with you about my current hopes, wishes and dreams.
Recently I’ve got my hopes up about a few things. I know I shouldn’t, I know I will always be disappointed and I know at the end of the day it’s only me to blame for that disappointment.
I’ve been hoping for a while that my job would get better, in fairness there isn’t anything wrong with the job at all but it’s lonely and leaves me feeling a little cut off from the world sometimes.
This week I got my hopes up that I would get into the London Marathon on the ballot. I didn’t, and whilst I hoped I got in, I expected this result. Thousands of people apply and thousands don’t get in. I’m still searching for a charity place, otherwise I will run a different marathon, but I really feel like next year will be the year to do my first.
I’m as single as anything, I’ve never been in a serious long term relationship and the longest relationship I have been in ended with words something along the lines of: “When I said I loved you, I didn’t mean it, you were just experience. I’m getting back with the previous girl I dated.”
And from there I’ve dated and I’ve got my hopes up that a guy will see me as more than a sexual object or experience, someone who wants to stick around longer than the last and means what he says and still everytime I start to like someone I’m quickly put back in my box and we chalk it up to experience.
I spent a long time battling depression and anxiety and didn’t want to date, and when I did it was for all the wrong reasons. But now I’m better, stronger and mentally in the right place. I feel confident in myself, my body and everything I can bring to the table and know I’m worthy of being loved but I feel like the chances of that happening are similar to the chances of me getting into the London Marathon ballot.
My biggest wish is that I could change the past, take away the hurt I’ve caused and received and do things a little different. I’m happy with my life and even with the things that aren’t great, life is still pretty good. More so I wish I could get out of my anxious cycle. I’ve been through my own personal hell and back and I’m still stuck in this vicious anxious cycle. It’s not so bad anymore, but it’s there and I wish I could be a little bit more carefree.
Like I said earlier, 18 year old me had very different dreams than 26 year old me.
My number one dream, as stupid as this sounds is to be alive. By that I don’t just mean breathing, but actually living me life, not wasting what precious time so many others have unfortunately lost.
I don’t have any dreams for my career anymore, I’m still figuring out where I want to go with that and right now I’m happy earning good money to pay for my dream holidays and tick more things off my bucket list. I do however have big personal dreams. I dream of owning my own house, a nice car, being settled and having my own children. I dream of living my life loving another person and then loving me back, and as silly as that might sound to some, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.